Well, behind every joke there’s some truth.

I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair!

Is that your head or is your neck blowing bubblegum?

Our director, he really is the boss, For yelling and screaming, he’s never at a loss. He’s the meanest guy that you will ever see. He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany.

It all started with a badly timed bald joke.

I just can’t be with someone who’s life is in complete disarray.

Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.

You look like you’re five years old.

Well, you’d be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.

Look at him! He’s grotesque!

You think?

Do I think? He’s repugnant!

You’re a shmoopy.

You’re a shmoopy.

Shhh! I gotta focus. I’m shifting into soup mode.

Well, behind every joke there’s some truth.

What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There’s no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don’t have it he says, ‘Ah, I’ll just have some coffee.’ There’s no truth to that.

For all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I going to feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?

I don’t wanna be a cowboy!

If you named a kid Rasputin, do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

I wonder what Gandhi ate before his fasts?
I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Oh yeah, Gandhi loved Triscuits.

I don’t get that whole suicide machine. There’s no tall buildings where these people live? They can’t wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?

The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don’t have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

I didn’t know what the coma etiquette was.

You are still afraid? You are not a man.

You can say what you want about me, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

What is so appealing to men about a catfight?
Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other, there’s a chance they might somehow kiss.

I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

It’ll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza.


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