It has been a dull and a depressing day today. It started out with me waking up late and in a foul mood because I did not get much sleep. The weather too is dull and gloomy. It looks like it might rain. There was no one except me in the part of the floor that our team occupies for a long long time today. People come late to the office these days. Earlier, I used to like being alone and getting a lot of work done before people turned up. Lately, I like people being around me and all of us talking and working.
I hate the fact that I have eaten up all the cashews, almonds and raisins from my stash of dry fruits , and now only the pistas remain. I dislike eating those. I am craving for light, fluffy idly and chutney. The idlis never turn out fluffy when I make them at home. They will get as hard as discs that I could throw at that bird and scare it. It is one of the many reasons that I did not get good sleep last night.
For some reason, I cannot concentrate on work and that irritates me more.
Anyhow, it has been 6 hours since the start of this miserable day and I have the rest of the day to salvage me from this depressing mood. Moreover, I should be working and not writing rants on my blog.
1. Inspiration strikes me and I make a plan….This is the easy part. The difficult part is to follow it.But, based on my track record, I am confident of following it through.
2. I wish to take a break from work in a year or so. Unlearn and learn new things. Do things that I have wanted to do for some time now.Another thought strikes me, can I do the things I have wanted to do, on the side? Will I be able to manage work / hobby / home / leisure?
3. I want to sing loudly in the office….the song moves me and my feet…seems like I also want to dance. People might see me dancing, hear me singing off key. People did not bother me earlier, what has happened now? Have I grown up? Have I changed?
4. The sweet corn with paneer bits, a small dollop of salted butter, a dash of italian seasoning and white and black pepper and lemon with a sprig of coriander leaves is amazing to taste. That is my mini-meal of the day.
5. Why do I need to number the thoughts….doesn’t numbering items lead to loss of randomness? What is randomness?
“There are different species of laziness: Eastern and Western. The Eastern style is like the one practised in India. It consists of hanging out all day in the sun, doing nothing, avoiding any kind of work or useful activity, drinking cups of tea, listening to Hindi film music blaring on the radio, and gossiping with friends. Western laziness is quite different. It consists of cramming our lives with compulsive activity, so there is no time at all to confront the real issues. This form of laziness lies in our failure to choose worthwhile applications for our energy.”
– Sogyal Rinpoche
from every thing.
After hours of groaking at the laptop screen and hoping it will reveal its secrets to me, I just cannot take it anymore. There are no people around to have interesting conversations with. I am getting easily tired of doodling on my window. Even 100 things is not helping. I ate my lunch early hoping it will rejuvenate me, but it has done quite the opposite. The hum of the AC is annoying me and a migraine has started inching its way up my neck. I have been to the restroom umpteen times to check my face in the mirror, wash it with a soap free face wash, brush my hair and straighten my spectacles. The women on my floor must have started thinking that I live there!
I have gone for a couple of walks. Drank almost black coffee twice before lunch, and as a result increased my trips to the loo. I have visited all blogs that I have bookmarked. I have made 5 origami cranes. I have chatted online since morning. I have looked up my horoscope for today atleast thrice, as if it is going to change. I have posted 4 posts, one of them is this. I started making diagrams for work but even that fails to garner my interest for more than 15 minutes.
I don’t want to go out into the sun, because my skin burns easily. I don’t want to go alone. I am still sulking after a small squabble yesterday night. I don’t want to go and hunt for books. I don’t want to go to a cafe and have coffee all by myself. I will not be able to enjoy retail therapy. I don’t want to make/ eat my favorite pasta salad.
Things that cheer me up are not doing so. I just cannot find respite from this restlessness.
What should I do?